


Every Angel Needs a Beacon

by PeachyDae



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-29 19:40:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6390619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachyDae/pseuds/PeachyDae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The road to recovery is a long and winding trail, there will be bumps and hurdles. This is only one of many. I promise to be by your side until you are healed. No matter if it takes 7 or 77 years, I will be with you for as long as you want me to be. I love you because of who you are. I don’t care if you murdered someone or thought you were the ugliest person in the world, I would and WILL love you until you believe you are the most beautiful. You are an angel in a world of darkness</p>
            </blockquote>





	Every Angel Needs a Beacon

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING TRIGGERING!!  
> If you suffer from depression, an eating disorder, or self-harm/hatred, proceed with caution!!

They should’ve seen it before he was lying in a hospital bed. The isolation, the silence, the sleeves, the anxiety, the exhaustion, the hours spent in the bathroom after “eating”, the starvation. They should’ve intervened before he ended up getting hooked up to machines that kept track of his breathing and heartbeat, IVs were attached to his too thin arms holding fluids that were trying to heal long ignored damage. They were extremely close to losing Minseok and they didn’t even realize it.

The doctor explained what caused the problems. It started with bulimia , a year after they debuted. Minseok, back in China, would eat in between schedule, but would spend hours in the bathroom throwing it all up. By the end of the year, Minseok was anorexic. After schedules, Minseok would continue working, burning more calories than he’d taken in, dropping weight he couldn’t afford to lose.

The self-harm started right after the Wolf M/V was released. Despite the pounds he’d lost, people still commented on his weight during interviews, press conferences, youtube comments, and even concerts. During a Mnet America group interview, Minseok was asked what the hardest thing was for him during the “Wolf Era”. He could only smile and respond with “Dieting,” causing everyone to laugh. No one knew that his dieting meant starvation. Every night after his evening purge, Minseok would stand in front of his full-length mirror, poking and prodding at his dry, pale skin thinking maybe he could cut out the nonexistent fat that he believed still lurked under his skin. So he did, and he had done so every day since.

It was Tao who caught Minseok when he fainted. They were rehearsing through Growl when he collapsed, knees buckling, eyes rolling back in his skull. Tao launched out and grabbed his shoulder before his head hit the floor of the dance practice room.

“Ge? GeGe are you okay? Oh God Duizhang!” He cried in Mandarin. Yifan had run to Tao’s side and attempted to shake the elder awake. His eyes widened and shouted for someone to call the ambulance.

* * *

 

That’s how they ended up here; all eleven of them standing around Minseok’s cold unmoving body. As soon as they were allowed to see him, Luhan ran to Minseok’s side and took his thin, bony hand into his own, pressing it to his lips.

“I’m so sorry Minnie, I should’ve helped you!” He cried kissing the elder’s hand. Yifan just patted Luhan on the back as the other sobbed into his stomach.

Two days later when Minseok wakes up, the room is dark, the only light coming from the moon. He tried to sit up but was still too weak to push himself up.  Seconds past and he was already exhausted but he was so close to his goal. He shifted to move again but a large hand stopped him.

Yifan

He let his leader gently push him down into the pillows and tuck the blanket up to Minseok’s shoulders. They remained in silence, but it was far from comfortable. The tension in the air between the eldest and the leader was thick.

Yifan isn’t sure if he should say something. He wants to shout and scold the elder for doing this to himself, to the group! He wants to demand why Minseok would even take this thought into consideration. He wants to apologize for not helping the elder when he needed him most.

“Yifan, I’m so sorry,” The elder cries softly. Yifan just sighs and runs his long fingers through his short, black hair.

“It’s not me you should be apologizing to, it’s Luhan.”

“Luhan?” Minseok whimpered. Yifan pointed to a lump in an armchair. Luhan slept, knees tucked to his chest, a large blanket wrapped his body.

“The others had to leave but Luhan insisted on staying. I’m bringing him clothes.” Yifan explained, setting a backpack on the ground next to the chair. Turning back to Minseok, he smoothed the elder’s hair down and gently caressed his protruding cheekbone with the rough pad of his thumb. “Get some sleep Minseok, the others will be here tomorrow.”

* * *

 

Minseok woke to a bright light and a chorus of hushed voices. Squinting, he rubbed his eyes and coughed.

“Hyung! You’re awake!” Sehun practically shouts rushing to Minseok’s side.

“Hi,” Minseok whispers not having the strength to speak louder. The others moved to surround him. Under their gaze, Minseok felt small and childish, like he was a child getting ready to be scolded for accidentally breaking a window. His dark eyes flitted nervously between them and noticed one was missing.

“Where’s Luhan?” He croaked. Chanyeol slid him a hospital cup with some water in it. “Thanks,” He said feeling the water pass through his dry, cracked lips.

“He went to get food,” Jongdae said helping Kyungsoo push him up to stack the pillows behind him. Minseok sighed as he leaned back, taking in the hollowness in his stomach. He felt his family staring at him.

“You can ask you know. I’m in a hospital, it’s okay to want to know why.”

“We already know why Minseok, we just-” Joonmyun started, tears filling his eyes.

“We want to know why you did it.” Yixing finished curling the ends of his sweater in his hands.

“I didn’t think it would get this bad, I- I wanted to be better, to be thinner, to be perfect like all of you.” Minseok sighed.

“But Minseok, you are perfect!” A voice cried from the door. Everyone’s attention shifted to the door. Luhan stood in the entrance wrapped in one of Minseok’s sweatshirts. His hair was a mess, his eyes, which were red and swollen from crying, had bags under them, and his skin was paler than usual.

“We’ll give you some time,” Yifan said. The others filed out the door leaving Luhan and Minseok.

“Luhan I-”

“No Minseok, don’t you see? You are perfect! You are so beautiful and smart and precious and handsome and I love you so much!” Luhan cried as he took the seat next to Minseok. “I love you so much Minnie, and I’m so sorry that I didn’t see, I couldn’t help you.”

“Luhan-”

“I was so blind, I didn’t see and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” The younger sobbed covering his face in his hands. Minseok reached out a bony hand and rubbed his shoulder.

“Luhan, it’s okay. I’m alive, not healthy, but alive and I want to get better; because I see. I see the pain and damage this has done to you and the others and I see how bad I have become. Please, Luhan, help me to get better.” Luhan peers up at the elder from in between his hands. Minseok has silent tears cascading down from his eyes, accompanying his soft voice. Luhan grabs Minseok’s hand and holds it fast.

“I will help you Minseok, in any way I can.”

* * *

 

Minseok is released a week later. Within three days of him being home, all of his stuff is packed and moved into Luhan’s room, the other members are mothering him constantly, making him light food and keeping water and broths in him, all of his razors are taken, and slowly he begins to heal. Luhan couldn’t be happier.

One day, Luhan returns to a dark dorm and small, soft cries. He walks to his bathroom and sees Minseok curled up next to the toilet, his back pressing against the tub and knees held tight to his chest.

“Minseok, are you okay?” Luhan asks. Minseok looks up tears in his eyes, a new wave threatening to spill over.

“I failed.” Minseok cried, burying his face in his arms again. Luhan knelt by his side, feeling his heart break as he heard Minseok muttering “I failed I failed,” again and again.

“Show me, Sweetie.” Luhan gently urged. Minseok looked up fear in his eyes. With slight hesitation, he held his left arm out to Luhan. The younger gasped and Minseok quickly snapped his cut and bloody arm to his chest, a sob escaping his throat.

“I failed I failed I failed…” Minseok trailed off his head shaking.

“No, no baby. You didn’t fail, you weren’t even close.” Luhan said wrapping the elder in a tight hug.

“Now let me bandage you up, okay?” Minseok nodded and sat on the toilet seat as Luhan cleaned and wrapped the cuts on his arm, finishing the aid off with a small kiss to each piece of the bandage.

“See, there all better.” Luhan cooed.

“I’m sorry Luhan. I thought I was healing, I thought I was better I just-” Luhan cut him off with a quick kiss.

“You are healing Minseok.”

“But my arm-”

“Minseok, it’s okay really. The road to recovery is a long and winding trail, there will be bumps and hurdles. This is only one of many.” Luhan murmured rubbing the back of Minseok’s neck.

“I promise to be by your side until you are healed, Minseok. No matter if it takes 7 or 77 years I will be with you for as long as you want me to be.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you Minseok.”

“I love you too.”

Luhan helped Minseok to his feet and carried the elder to their room. He gently laid the other on the mattress and crawled in next to him.

“Luhan?”

“Hmm?”

“Why do you love me? I’m sick and broken and I’m going to hurt you and I don’t want to do that.” Minseok sobbed into Luhan’s chest.

“I love you because of who you are Sweetie. I don’t care if you murdered someone or thought you were the ugliest person in the world, I would and WILL love you until you believe you are the most beautiful. You are an angel in a world of darkness Minseok, hopefully, I can be your beacon of light.”

"You already are,"

* * *

"Are you ready hyung?" Baekhyun asked rubbing Minseok's arm. Minseok turned and beamed.

"Mmhmm," He replied nodding enthusiastically. "I just wish Luhan was here to watch." He murmured face becoming dark.

"Me too hyung," Baekhyun sighed.

"Who said I wasn't?" A voice interrupted. Minseok's head snapped up.

"Luhan!" He cried running into the ex-EXO members outstretched arms. Luhan leaned down and kissed the elder's cheek.

"I'm proud of you, my angel." He whispered in the other's ear.

"I couldn't do it without my beacon."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday Minseokkie  
> Sorry for this being so late, I just got home from Colorado.  
> This was very difficult for me to write as I suffer from depression but I want you all to know. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here.


End file.
